My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
