My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
