My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
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Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life