Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.