Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

Tuesday

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.