My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
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yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Chemical wingman
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I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
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Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Lmfaoooooo
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what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion