Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

ㅤ

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.