My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
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I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much