Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.