Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

Lol #dogsoftwitter

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

I think I’m having a stroke

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.