My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
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iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
This could be us… but you playing
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.