My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Knock Knock
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
