My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
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That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
classic mixup
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.