@LostFelicia

My dad was always captain of the ship when driving. He couldn’t be bothered by nonsense like speed limits and not trying to outrun law enforcement.

You Might Also Like

@AlmightyBored

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

@dubiousgenius

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

@eslpaul

Me: I need to know if it’s a bit breezy out and I need to know now! and at all the other times, day and night, and I need the neighbours to know too

Wind chimes: we won’t let you down sir

@Ygrene

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

@truegritrumble

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

@clarkekant

Soft on Wall Street. Hard on Sesame Street. Romney 2012.

@SJKSalisbury

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

@doktorj

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.