WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
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excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.