‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
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i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Thursday
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.