‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
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Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Tapped in
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
May have had one breakfast too many
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.