‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
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If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.