My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
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Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Never deleting this app.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏