My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
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[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
