Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life