My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs