My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
You Might Also Like
this was the best i’ve ever seen
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.