My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
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Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
A great first step 😂
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”