My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
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HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first