My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Jupiter
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Now who done made this a sport lmao
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.