My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Who.
Did.
This?
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom