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The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I cannot call her anything else now
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon