Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.