My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
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“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
How do you like your Corgi?
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”