My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
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me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.