My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
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“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I can also cook 😂
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”