Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

definitely did not do anything wrong

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

What a chick magnet..

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated