Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

<- sleeps well with others

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare