Lessons I can learn from my cat.
1.) Never take the first no!
2.) If there’s an obstacle in your path, try a different approach.
3.) Being inquisitive often yields rewards.
4.) Rest is imperative!
5.) If someone is doing something you don’t approve of, bite them.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Me: I don’t really.
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth