My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
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I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no