Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*
2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED’
thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit
me: Bitey loves kids doe
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”