@ItsSamG

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

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@gizellie

Lessons I can learn from my cat.
1.) Never take the first no!
2.) If there’s an obstacle in your path, try a different approach.
3.) Being inquisitive often yields rewards.
4.) Rest is imperative!
5.) If someone is doing something you don’t approve of, bite them.
#WillFeral

@Reverend_Scott

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

@SondraDeeMe

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

@ghostkrogh

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

@truegritrumble

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

@leahlovescheez

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

@junejuly12

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

@BlindChow

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

@Mr_Kapowski

“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth