My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!