Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”