Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

can’t wait til they legalize outside

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?