My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
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“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed