My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
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People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
dogs can find happiness so easily
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year