Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

Drilling for oil is well boring.

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.