My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
