Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

My first child will be named New Folder.

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min