My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
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My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I can’t wait!
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?