“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Meme Monday.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester