“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
fr
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
gender is a sprctrum
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
A bold strategy
Camping tip: No.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
