“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
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My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
SF is the wild wild west man
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Always
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Wednesday
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs