“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
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*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
in 3 months
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.