My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
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What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails