Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

I basically called this earlier today

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

Bear knowledge

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

A small tragedy.