My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
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coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Accurate
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
who wants to go expliring
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops