My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
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date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.