My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
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I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
welp
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Printer ink is expensive
