My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
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My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”