my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
