my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
*exercises sarcastically*
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Merica.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
