my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
