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@TweetPotato314

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

@shariv67

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

@envydatropic

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

@extranapkins

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

@Rachelnoise

They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.

@Death_Buddy

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

@SuperApple8

Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.

Him: Mom, I’m doing my homework.

Me: *claps* Star!

Him: I hate Twitter.

Me: *belch* blocked.