I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
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That’s exactly what harmful coconut water would say.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.
Him: Mom, I’m doing my homework.
Me: *claps* Star!
Him: I hate Twitter.
Me: *belch* blocked.