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@KalvinMacleod

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

@KPsych29

“Hey, the sky is pitch black tonight.”-You, counting your lucky stars.

@sidastrous

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

@Loli_Sug

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

@TheAlexNevil

*intercom

SHEEPLE, WAKE UP! THE SAME CANDY THEY CALL “HALLOWEEEEEEN” CANDY IS AVAILABLE ALL YEAR LO…get off me…let go…NEVER FORGET!

@UnFitz

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

@primawesome

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

@CruelMeiga

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.