Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”
Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
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If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.
I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.
I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
If Reese Witherspoon doesn’t call her poop “Reese’s Feces” she’s missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.