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I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?


When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”


My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that


The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night


They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.


*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*


Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.

Him: Mom, I’m doing my homework.

Me: *claps* Star!

Him: I hate Twitter.

Me: *belch* blocked.