Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

Girl, same.

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.