My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
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“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!