My dad.
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[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.