My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
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My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I’m listening
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
