Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

Ghost costume 😂

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

What do you call a retired miner?

Doug

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s