My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
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I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Interior design 👌
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.