Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt