My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
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early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”