My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
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Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I love you…
…r dog.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.