My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
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i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”