Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

who’s gonna tell her?

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

shazam but for random noises outside

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.