My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
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Think I pulled my liver
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once