Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”