Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?