Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10

😎

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

That eye roll….

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1590430411087388674/pu/vid/712x1280/dmRarJSH1fNXMTa2.mp4?tag=12

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.