Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

Everyone’s family

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower