Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.