my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
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Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.