Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

No point crayon over spilled milk.

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

Facebook Twitter

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

let’s discuss

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper