Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired