My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
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Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.