My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
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If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes