My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
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*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.