My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
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The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Squirrels before girls.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
