My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
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My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Have kids, they said
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
*limbos under the caution tape
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.