My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
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Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days