My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
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I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.